Like Sue Monk Kidd, I think that I am a good, caring nurse who does my best for my patients. I still wonder if becoming a nurse was showing a lack of bravery. I chose this because I needed a job and knew I could do it. There was never a doubt about my ability to understand the concepts necessary to become a nurse and to pass the licensure exam. It wasn't exactly easy, but it was do-able. I have enough empathy and compassion for others to take care of them. As taking care of patients really is not about me, neither is continuing to sing and to follow the calling of the more creative path that calls to me. I'm a small part of a large planet, and I hope to continue to have enough personal fortitude to continue to sing my part.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Spiritual Restlessness and Singing
As I listen to an interview with Sue Monk Kidd, I understand the restlessness she described going through. She felt out of place being a nurse. Although I am much happier and have been told that I am doing a great job working in hospice, something about that statement from her still resonates with me. I feel that I can do this job and still be true to who I am (I could not go back to the hospital and feel the same way), but it seems that there is more to life than work. And more to life than religion. Singing always made me happy, from the days of standing on a stool and singing into a hairbrush or singing into the handle of the vacuum cleaner to singing in a recital hall, Bass Hall, Carnegie Hall, and Vienna. Although I don't have the same vocal ability as I had before my wreck, the music calls. The creativity calls. It occurs to me that, for me, to sing again requires courage. To open my mouth and let the voice find its place and to allow it to resonate where it will is painful when I am used to judging every sound that comes out. Is the pitch correct? Is the support in place? Is the sound resonant and beautiful? The answer to all of those is sometimes. Can I be kind enough to myself to remain nonjudgemental and to love who I am when the sound isn't so pretty? Why is there shame in making errors? It isn't a sin to miss a note. Singers rehearse to learn, polish, correct, and to own the work that is being sung. Wrong notes happen in that process, and no one gets hurt (not really, lol). Being less than confident in my ability (to learn, to read the music, and to sing) is a disservice to me and to those with whom I sing. To continue requires the heart of a lion.